Patton Oswalt's Star Wars Filibuster: Animated

I love the internet. In case you missed it a while back, here is the animated version of the viral video NBC leaked from Parks and Recreation a while back.

5 Star Wars Spinoffs we Do and Don't Need

Unless you were living on an isolated planet harvesting blue milk, you should already know that the Star Wars property has been ascertained by Disney. Many expressed fear about how the kingdom run by half-dressed animals would handle one of, if not the most popular science fiction stories ever told. However, we must always remember that “fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.” Suffer, we might.

Until that time is known, there are a couple of good things that will come from Disney buying up the rights to the Force. Not only do we get a talented director helming the new film with a group of experienced science fiction writers, but we also will undoubtedly get spin-offs. Marvel’s formula for financial success (also owned by Disney) is too good not to pass up. With The Avengers-money in their minds, they will probably try to give a few characters their own story lines in order to bring the band back together.

With that in mind, let’s look at what we do, and don’t need to see on the big screen.

The Don’ts

5. A Palpatine Origin Story

Despite what the extended universe would have you believe, Palpatine is dead. His death was the catalyst action in bringing back Anakin Skywalker back from the Dark Side and into his son’s good graces. It was the major act in a father’s redemption story, and should stay that way.

Palpatine had a specific purpose, and it was stretched almost to its breaking point in the prequels. We don’t need to see where he came from (although it is pretty interesting if you’re curious), just as we don’t need to see all the backstories from the other characters in Game of Thrones that aren’t pivotal to the plot.

Need an example of how an origin story can neuter a once terrifying villain? Look at Hannibal Lector. The origin film, Hannibal Rising, took the monster out of the man, and turned him into something sympathetic. It’s the inability to understand and empathize that makes a powerful villain, not the other way around.

4. Any Story Focusing On Chewbacca

You have to feel for the guy. Not only was he denied a medal at the end of A New Hope, but we have no idea if what he is saying is actually being translated properly by Han. There is an interesting fan theory that he was a sleeper agent who worked for Yoda. Yoda foresaw Luke and Leia’s birth, and put Chewbacca in a position to be at the right place at the right time in order to help them, using the skills he demonstrated in the Clone Wars.

While entertaining, it would be hard to make a blockbuster feature film out of a character who speaks in growls and snarls. Plus, a lot of the viewing audience hates reading subtitles. Chewie’s backstory would be better told via another route that we’ll look at shortly.

3. Shadows Of The Empire

If you haven’t read the book or played the video game, this off-screen chapter of the Star Wars universe focuses on the people and events that allowed the Rebel Alliance to steal the plans for the newly built Death Star in Return of the Jedi. It’s entertaining, with good characters, and a great villain.

There is one major problem, and that is that the characters that would be needed to retell this story are too old. There isn’t a CGI program running that could transform the famous heroes from Episodes IV – VI back to their former glory. There is no way the story could be told without them, and there is no way it could be successfully done with them. It’s a terrible Catch-22.

2. Knights Of The Old Republic

What BioWare did for this game was not only revolutionary as far as storytelling in video games goes, but also brought back the fun of being a Jedi, in an extremely immersive and expansive narrative. Many have played it, and almost everyone loved it.

The problem here is that it strays too far from the story that everyone knows, even if they haven’t seen the films. How would someone go about choosing the most interesting path for the main character to take?

What would he/she look like during the film?

Since you could customize all of this yourself it would remain difficult to have an actor or actress portray the protagonist in a light that would appeal to not only a universal audience, but the original fan-base.

1. Anything Focusing On The Cloned Jango Fett Stormtroopers

The fact that Lucas decided to make Storm Troopers clones of Jango Fett is one of the most baffling and lazy choices I’ve seen in any film series. The Clone Wars TV series made a valiant attempt to give them different personalities based on haircuts and color schemes, but there is one huge issue here that can’t be overlooked. Everyone hated this detail of the movies.

Whatever Disney does, they need to avoid attention to the specific areas of the prequels that caused so much criticism amongst the fans. No films, no TV series, no comic books. Just shove this into the garbage compactor with those pesky Death Star stowaways and make sure that a protocol droid isn’t there to stop it.

The Do's...

5. Boba Fett

This one is obvious to anyone who has any idea about anything Star Wars related. It’s already being discussed by fans on the internet. Disney could probably sell out on tickets for opening weekend at the announcement of the film if they wanted. Boba Fett was such an obscure and minor character in the films, yet managed to garner one of the largest fan followings of any character introduced in the series.

One thing that should be taken from the extended universe is the fact that he survives the Sarlaac pit. For anyone who hasn’t seen it, Patton Oswalt had a rant in Parks and Recreation that not only shows his geek-royalty standing, but also shows the importance of bringing back Boba, even in a joking manner.

4. The Jedi Order That Doesn’t Focus On Anakin

Unless Disney plans on completely recasting Anakin Skywalker, don’t bother showing him in any aspect of it. The portrayal of Anakin as an angsty cry-baby was universally panned, and should be removed like a cyst. Instead, how about a focus on the other Jedi that we didn’t hear about. Focus on some of the Jedi that sat in the shadow of Anakin, climaxing with the execution of “Order 66.” This was one aspect I wished they had focused on more in Episode III, and that was the hunting down of the different Jedi who sat in key roles across the Empire’s hold of the universe.

3. The Rebel Alliance

This was rumoured to be in the works a while ago, as a Band of Brothers type mini-series. Sadly, this was never finalized. Now that Disney has the reigns there is the ability for production value, distribution, programming, and exposure. Disney also has the added benefit of nothing being restrained by outside influencers because of how large they are.

If anyone could pull off this monumental endeavor, it would be the creative minds at Disney.

2. Obi-Wan

The first three Episodes of Star Wars should have been Obi-Wan’s story, and not a split between him and Anakin. Obi-Wan was the man who let down his late Jedi Master by allowing Anakin to be corrupted by the Dark Side, and there is a tremendous amount of regret that sits with this. His spin-off should be a film that focuses on his life in the desert as he tries to mend his own psyche. It should show his dealings with the Sand People, how he comes to know the villainy in Mos Eisley so well, and how he was able to develop the ability to live everlong in the Force.

1. Han Solo

This movie should start with a scene that solidifies that Han shoots first. This could even be the opening scene as to how he gets involved with Jabba, or why he needs Chewbacca. Han’s first shot could be the catalyst for the entire film. It would be a clever nod to the franchise being put back on track, and also showing the fans that they care. Since Disney obviously can’t use Harrison Ford in this role, I’d suggest someone that isn’t too physically imposing, but seems just unpredictable enough to where you wouldn’t want to mess with him in a bar. Focus on the fact that he is a thief, and not a fighter, and you could have a Jack Sparrow-ish character with an already adored track history of awesomeness.

Despite what people think about Disney grabbing the rights to the Star Wars universe I don’t there are too many people who would be upset at seeing more of it in theaters. If Disney goes the Avengers route with the films, and uses character focused movies to help sell a larger ensemble, I think it would be beneficial as a whole to any level of Star Wars fan. As long as they avoid the five movies listed at the top, that is.

How Iron Man 3 misses the mark XLII ways...

So I saw Iron Man 3. What follows is a list of all the ways I think the movie (and entire team behind it) messed things up. Some of these are meta critiques on what the role of the movie ought to be and others are just points that didn't seem logical. There will be spoilers. I won't go into too much depth on anything since 42 line items is a lot but they will be mentioned. SPOILERS WILL BE MENTIONED. Ok, let's continue.

I'm going to give you 42 reasons the movie "3"
does not live up to the hype.

Before I get into the list let me get this out of the way: People will love this movie. Lots and lots of people will find  this an enjoyable, action-packed, popcorn-munching, hyphenation-inducing movie. I even found myself enjoying the movie (random aside: if you have never used the D-Box motion effect seats and your theater offers them, it is worth trying out for this action film) but it is not a great comic book movie. In many ways, it is an awful comic book movie. How many ways? Well it misses the mark in 42 ways - both big and small - off the top of my head. Take a deep breath because we are going on a ride!

Stop contributing to how comic book owners "are". If you aren't sure how then read this post on how to stop doing that thing.

Guess what? If you guessed "This is going to be awesome!" then you can stop reading and go back to bed because your day is going downhill from here. How do you top "Guess what?" winner? Look, I told myself I was going to limit the asides but I didn't promise I would win the fight against who I am. This is who I am!!! You know who else I am? A comic book shop owner...that has awesome customers. I also happen to be someone who genuinely enjoys talking to people about comics. Life is good but there are certain things that come up time and time again that make the average comic shop owners day less awesome. Since this upcoming weekend is Free Comic Book Day and MANY people will wander into their local comic shops for the first time looking for a free Walking Dead #1, what better time for a post about comic shop etiquette? I bet you can't think of a better time. I win, you couldn't! So...

Now is  the time! I'm going to post a whole bunch of things you think are harmless (or more likely don't think one way or the other about). After each obnoxious thing, I'll then tell you how to say/do that thing in a manner that doesn't contribute to this stereotype:

The best way to recognize a comic book shop owner/employee
 for their service is to forget this stereotype kthanksImeanit.

Why BioShock: Infinite Is Better for Developers Than Gamers

I'm happy to announce that I'll now be contributing to Whatculture.com.

Before anyone begins to raise up their pitchforks and torches in protest, I need to make one thing very clear. Bioshock: Infinite is a very well written, stylized, voice-acted, and programmed video game. In a time where most first person shooters depend on a Michael Bay-type narrative in order to cause as much visual stimulus as possible, it’s nice to exercise a mental sweat while still blowing up as much stuff as possible.

Pictured: Mental Sweat

This is a game that can be debated and hypothesized about for years, especially considering when you take the gameplay aspects of the story, and how the game incorporates what “death” means in different dimensions. But this article isn’t about how much fun it is to play. This article is about how the games is more valuable as a learning tool to other developers.

Comic Book Movies: Comparing Strategies

Did you know Iron Man 3 is a movie and it will be coming out soon? You bet you do! Whether you want to or not, Iron Man 3's multi-media attack has left many victims. Me, you, your mom, your sister, your sister's dog. All victimized. How do you feel about that? I'm not particularly bothered by it but an intriguing development putting the "er" in multi-er-media attack (just go with it) is comics. In my view, this is undoubtedly a good thing.

The Disney/Marvel corporate monstrosity has their kid friendly ish together when it comes to making the success of their films and rising comic sales mutually reinforcing. On the other hand you have DC. When it comes to synergy between these mediums the best thing I can say is...they are making movies and they are also making comics.

Oh I guess I should do this thing: Commentary includes spoilers that have been all over the internet because that is where I found them.

Three reasons why Marvel's strategy is good for the industry.

1. It turns more comic readers into authorities.

In the comics Iron Man puts the space armor on and meets
the Guardians of the Galaxy. It's probably just a coincidence.

Sure comic movies are fun but your muggle friends bombard you with questions like "Is that how it happened in the comics?" and "Who is that?" Well if the question happens to be up your alley then hot girl behind you will hear your brilliant whispers of brilliantepictude and will shout - in a crowded theater mind you - "I love it when you talk comics to me!" and then YOU say "I wasn't talking to you!" That sleek new space armor in Iron Man 3? If you read Iron Man comics you know about it since it just so happens Marvel placed space armor in the comic too! It doesn't stop there.

Content Marketing Lessons from Netflix's House of Cards

Crosspost from here. 

Netflix has taken a strong step to become the premier streaming entertainment service with its exclusive thirteen-episode serial, House of Cards.

So far, the series is a critical hit, but the interesting thing for marketers is how Netflix has turned its fortunes around through the deployment of content.

For the unfamiliar, Netflix is a digital streaming and home delivery movie/TV service. In September of 2011, their announcement of an impending division into two different services caused a customer backlash. Their response has been to remodel their business plan towards what customers wanted and were asking for: more and better content.